The Replay: Hearts v Hibs. Boxing Day, 2006

Or WWE Edinburgh: Capital Carnage

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This time on The Replay, we’re getting ready for the festive Edinburgh derby by going back to the same fixture from December 26, 2006, when Daniel Craig had just relaunched James Bond as a serious cinematic proposition by having a knotted rope swung repeatedly into his scrotum in Casino Royale. Believe it or not my friends, that image will come up again as this frankly insane SPL classic unfolds before us.

I was a football writer for the Sunday Times back then and the two teams I most enjoyed reporting on were the Hearts side that for a while looked like they could do the Great Big Thing and Tony Mowbray’s Hibs, full of thrilling young Scots who on their day seemed irresistible. By Boxing Day 2006, both of those moments were fading.

George Burley and Hearts’ 05/06 title bid were already a memory and the Riccarton Three had made their stand two months earlier. Steven Pressley had already paid the price for his mutiny, as much as joining a Celtic team about to win the double can be viewed as ‘the price’ for anything.

As for Hibs, Derek Riordan, Garry O’Connor and Gary Caldwell had left during 2006, and Mowbray himself had departed for West Brom, replaced by John Collins a few weeks before this game. As the January transfer window loomed, Scott Brown and Kevin Thomson were both hopeful of transfers out of Edinburgh as Hibs’ great seam of natural resources was gradually liquidated.

THE WARM-UP

The Riccarton Three thing is documented here as part of a BBC series on the Vladimir Romanov years at Hearts. The short version is, that club was a whole load of crazy around this time. Towards the end of the year it had all got too much for Pressley, Paul Hartley and Craig Gordon. In the wake of Romanov threatening to sell everyone if they didn’t beat Dunfermline, those three went public with their protest. Pressley was gone, Hartley seemed likely to follow him and Gordon, the 20-year-old Scotland goalkeeper, was already attracting the attention of clubs in the English top flight.

Despite still having deep reserves of homegrown players, including Steven Whittaker, Steven Fletcher, Brown and Thomson, Hibs also recruited well under Mowbray and here had top operators like the left-back David Murphy and Kiwi striker Chris Killen. There had been questions about the goalkeeper, Zbigniew Malkowski, following a series of blunders, but I’m almost certain he has put those behind him.

This is a Setanta broadcast at the peak of the marriage between the Irish broadcaster and Scottish football. They had just re-upped their contract: more money, more games, more years. In the studio, silky Rob MacLean feeds a front two of Scott Booth and Ally McCoist, a promising newcomer with a bright future in the pundit game. In the commentary booth, Ian Crocker had Craig Burley provide analysis with the gloves off and no holds barred.

The Setanta team tee this one up with a flashback to the previous derby, which finished 2-2 and featured a red card (for Saulius Mikoliunas), one of those goalkeeping blunders by Malkowski and two goals for Andrius Velicka, who is dropped for this one.

The footage that lives on YouTube denies us the pre-match interview with Collins, but we do see Valdas Ivanauskas — who is between two separate mental health breaks this season — wishing he was anywhere other than in a televised conversation with Stuart Lovell.

Hearts are in fourth place in the league and wear Hummel in maroon, with big, white chevrons down the sleeves and ‘Ukio Bankas’ on the chest. Hibs, one place back, are all green bar the white sleeves of their Le Coq Sportif numbers, brought to you by the good folks at Whyte & Mackay. I anticipate a friendly, festive contest between gentlemen. Let’s go.

KICK-OFF

0.05

Brown is fouled by Marius Zaliukas.

Harbinger (noun): a person or thing that signals the arrival of another.

0.35

Hibs should be one up. It happens in a flash. Dean Shiels knocks a cross down and as it rises in front of Abdessalam Benjelloun (Benji on his shirt and in what remains of his involvement in our story) he flicks out his right boot and the ball floats tamely over Gordon’s crossbar. Collins in the Hibs dugout reacts as a man who understands the quality of the chance. More importantly, he’s looking great: black coat over a white shirt, black scarf, jet-black hair, mid-winter tan, that jawline. It’s like if Marti Pellow had gone full Romanov at Clydebank in the 90s and parlayed the Wet Wet Wet sponsorship into total touchline control of the team.

1.45

Hearts are one up. It’s a long free-kick, Edgaras Jankauskas flicks it on and Roman Bednar, looking like Pearl Harbour-era Ben Affleck, hares after it. He hits the line and hammers a low ball across goal. This is peak Hartley so you better believe he timed his run perfectly, steaming in for the point-blank finish to send Tynecastle daft.

Hearts 1 Hibs 0.

3.15

Double yellow. Mike McCurry gives both Michael Stewart and Hartley a long lecture in front of an incredibly youthful Hibs bench (including Lewis Stevenson, aged 13 and three-quarters). We need a replay to reveal what has gone down. Stewart put his leg across Hartley, taking him down as the Scotland man looked like getting away. Hartley sprang up and charged at Stewart, flailing his arms about and shouting: “Fucking prick! Fucking wanker!” Brilliant.

3.30

All this has given the Setanta team the chance to replay the goal and reveal that Bednar was clearly offside when Jankauskas flicked the ball on. “It looked a little bit dodgy,” says Burley, who can’t possibly conceive of a dystopian future where anonymous figures in small, dark rooms filled with blinking machines run such footage back and forth while we all wait, slowly degrading both physically and in spirit, as these magical moments are suspended and deflated by the search for a computer-assisted truth.

7.47

Eight minutes. Three bookings. This is an excellent rate of offending. Big Edgaras, a Champions League winner with Porto, is completely wiped out by Whittaker as he gets to a Mikoliunas pass ahead of the Hibs man. There is no way this ends 11 v 11, I’m telling you.

8.25

Jose Goncalves, one of 11 players signed by Hearts at the start of the year in a bonkers January window, is limping off. On comes Lee Wallace, his frosted tips a stark reminder of the era we are visiting.

13.04

Mike McCurry, what are you doing, baby? Guillaume Beuzelin basically cuts Mikoliunas into two pieces right in front of the referee, who plays advantage. Okay Mike, Hearts have the ball, but there’s a deconstructed Lithuanian who needs urgent medical help here. Then Neil McCann loses control of the ball and attempts to regain it by first removing Stewart’s right foot at the ankle. These are easily the worst two tackles of the game so far and neither is rewarded with a card.

14.39

Malkowski’s history in this fixture and reputation for calamity is well known to Tynecastle. The home fans sing “Zibby, Zibby, give us a wave” and “Zibby is a Jambo” but when Bednar is put through by Mikoliunas, the Polish keeper hops off his line to make a fine save with his legs. Who’s laughing now, eh? Hibs’ No.1 has clearly put all that nonsense behind him. Rock solid.

20.27

Jankauskas is a quality No.9. He takes a bang average ball in, surrounded by opponents, and steps across Rob Jones to draw the foul. Or fouls. Jones shoves him in the back, then stands on his ankle when he’s on the ground, then rakes his studs down his back as he moves away. Chapeau, Mr. Jones. Chapeau.

21.35

At right-back for Hearts, Robbie Neilson has been dropped for Nerijus Barasa, who arrived in that bulk buy the previous January. Here he fouls Shiels, loses the ball between his own legs, then throws himself to the ground in a style that you rarely see. He resembles most one of the anonymous, Uzi-toting henchmen in the climatic shootout of an episode of The A-Team, meeting a bloodless yet dramatic end suitable for family viewing on a Saturday afternoon.

22.43

Oh no, another golden chance is passed up by Hibs. Killen is put in by Stewart and he does well to make his way into the box while keeping Wallace at bay. But as Gordon goes down, he pulls his finish across goal and wide.

23.50

Back to the real action. Julien Brellier is pushed by Beuzelin and goes to ground. Brown sees an opportunity and smashes the ball past Brellier’s face, then brings his studs down on the Frenchman’s thigh as he lands. Brellier responds in the only way he knows, by landing a right uppercut into Brown’s nutsack from a prone position, invoking Le Chiffre, his countryman no less, from Casino Royale. It’s a riveting sequence. This game is moving at F1 speed, with UFC violence.

27.29

Brellier, who has committed multiple fouls and has — albeit under provocation — punched a man in the testicles, draws a yellow for dissent. Mr McCurry, you have a thin skin, sir.

41.07

Killen is beaten to a pass by Christophe Berra and just kicks the defender up in the air; he lands on the advertising boards. No card. I no longer think that we can judge the officials here. They are outnumbered and outgunned. What a first half.

THE SECOND HALF

45.01

The second period begins with Hartley smashing the ball out of play from kick-off, squarely along the half-way line. Never seen that before. This match is insane.

47.11

Beuzelin fouls Mikoliunas 20 yards out. Crocker tells us this fixture produced four red cards last season and suddenly I feel cheated. We’re running out of time.

Anyway, Hartley takes the free-kick and sends a tame curler low and to Malkowski’s right. The keeper drops down and makes a straightforward…

Oh, dear god no.

He meets it with both hands, but then spikes it onto the turf, so the ball is just waiting for Jankauskas to tap in for the easiest goal of his life.

Crocker on commentary: “Hibernian need a new goalkeeper!”

Tynecastle: “We love you Zibby, we do!”

Hearts 2 Hibs 0.

53.46

Game on. Whittaker earns a corner with a marauding run down the right for Hibs. Collins fist pumps — “Come on!”, Whittaker takes it and Jones and Killen make the same run, neither accompanied, to meet it. Jones is behind the Kiwi and half lifts him up, like they’re in a line-out. Killen plants a header into the bottom-right corner. The very least Hibs deserve.

Hearts 2 Hibs 1.

57.35

McCurry finds his groove again with another yellow. It’s automatic — Brown rattles into the back of Brellier, perhaps thinking he has some kind of Potter-esque invisibility gimmick after his earlier offence went unpunished.

59.29

Everything about this mad match has been building towards this. A long ball from Whittaker hypnotises Barasa, who stares at it while Shiels scurries behind him. Barasa has no picture of the threat, and as he turns he stumbles into the Hibs attacker and it’s a clear penalty.

Shiels himself takes it and as Gordon goes one way, he places the ball in the opposite direction.

Hearts 2 Hibs 2.

But Shiels isn’t done. He wants to retrieve the ball, or celebrate in the net, or maybe he has just gone into a different psychic dimension, known only to those who have scored big derby goals. He steams toward the goal, wild-eyed, just as Gordon gets up and as the two collide, Shiels raises his arms, shoving Gordon, who hits the deck and will stay there for the foreseeable future. The Scotland keeper absolutely sells the hell out of the contact to increase the stakes for Shiels.

In a flash there are 13 people in the goal, including McCurry and one of his linesmen. The referee and Stewart soon form a human shield around the perpetrator, using the goal net to prevent any attacks from the rear. Admirable, secret-service style personal protection strategy.

Shiels is talking non-stop, like a Toy Story doll that’s had its string pulled — the adrenaline must be coursing through him. His captain, Jones, isolates him as McCurry goes away to sidebar with his linesman. “Fuck me, man,” says Shiels, as his fate crystalises.

It’s red, of course, and Shiels starts to walk, but then the adrenaline fires back up and he spins and starts to go after Gordon again. Jones is about three times the size of Shiels and literally picks him up from behind now, carrying him towards the touchline like a father extracting a sugar-rushing toddler from a ball pit during a soft-play brawl.

Hibs are down to 10 men. There are coppers lining the away end now. Hearts are changing their attack. “Velicka is coming on for Jankauskas and Mike McCurry is having a word with the police,” says Crocker.

Tynecastle is ablaze.

66.27

Barasa just batters the ball out of play under zero pressure.

69.25

We didn’t come here for beautiful football, but that is a gorgeous hit from Mikoliunas. McCann darts in from the left, Bednar lays his pass off to Velicka, whose low ball bobbles behind the retreating Hibs defence. Mikoliunas whips it into the top-left corner and marches toward the touchline, with Hartley on one arm and Bednar on the other, Steve Martin and Chevy Chase to his Martin Short.

Hearts 3 Hibs 2.

Ivanauskas celebrates with a slow-motion double fist pump, but somehow still seems fundamentally unhappy. Collins is frozen in the moment, hands in pockets. Immaculate.

75.13

Oh, Beuzelin should walk for that. He is high, late and angry on Wallace, but McCurry stops at yellow.

76.53

Hibs can’t come any closer than this. Brown bursts through the middle with that effortless-looking change of pace that he had and feeds Killen. The striker sees Whittaker overlapping into the box and the full-back hits a high drive that first strikes the inside of Gordon’s near post, then pings behind the keeper and bounces out, off the opposite upright. It’s a marvel of physics, but that will placate only the most scientifically-minded of Hibees.

81.42

Barasa takes a throw-in 25 yards up the touchline and puts it directly out of play between the goal and the corner flag. This guy!

90.00

Three minutes of added time! What are we doing? Since half-time there have been three goals, a couple of bookings, some substitutions, plus a goalmouth rammy that required lengthy medical attention, a red card and police consultation.

93.00

Full-time. Crocker: “The game of the season.”

THE AFTERMATH

These teams were being dissolved as this thunderous beauty of a game took place, but it’s worth remembering how valuable they were.

Thomson was left out of this derby and was sold to Rangers for £2million at the end of the winter window in 2007. The sale of Brown (£6.6m to Celtic) and Whittaker (£3m to Rangers) raised nearly £10m for Hibs the following summer. Murphy added £1.5m when he joined Birmingham the following January. Hibs’ golden generation left behind one trophy — the 2007 League Cup won under Collins with a 5-1 win over Kilmarnock. From this team, Jones, Shelton Martis, Whittaker, Murphy, Beuzelin, Brown and Benji all play at Hampden.

Gordon was Britain’s most expensive goalkeeper when he joined Sunderland for £9m the following summer. Celtic got Hartley for less than £2m a few weeks after this game. Berra brought in £2.5m from Wolves, Bednar £2m from West Brom. This team that generated so many enthralling storylines also earned one set of winners’ medals, from their penalty shoot-out win over Gretna in the 2006 Scottish Cup final. From the Boxing Day derby, Gordon, Hartley, Bednar and Jankauskas started, with Brellier, Mikoliunas and Michal Pospisil coming off the bench.

And Barasa? One month from now he will play his final game as a professional, retiring before his 29th birthday. He now operates Barasahouse, renting houseboats, jet-skis and even a private beach to waterside revelers in Russia. Perhaps one day, when peace settles across Europe once more, this curious class of Hearts alumni will reunite there, skimming over the water on man-toys and toasting absent friends across a firepit.