The 2am Direct Message
Zander Murray - Scotland's first male Scottish senior player to come out as gay - writes exclusively for Nutmeg FC on the night he helped save a life
Zander Murray’s decision to come out as gay in 2022 followed years of mental health struggles as he kept his sexuality secret. He is now an award-winning advocate in tackling homophobia within football and in wider society. Here, Murray shares a powerful story about a young man facing similar struggles to those he went through.
By Zander Murray
The Instagram Direct Message dropped at 2am. It was a Friday night. I should have been asleep. I’m so glad I wasn’t.
It was from a young man. A semi-professional footballer in tier six of Scottish football. I realised quickly he was in a very dark place — and that I was the first person he had reached out to.
Through DMs, he began to tell me his story. He had had a girlfriend. They split up and then he started seeing a man. The relationship with the man didn’t work out and he went back to seeing his girlfriend. One day, she went through his phone and saw that he had been messaging a man. There were accusations that he had been with the man throughout their relationship. They split up.
The ex-girlfriend then told her dad and her brother what had happened. Then the ex-girlfriend’s dad, brother and friends started coming along to the young man’s football matches and threatening him from the side of the pitch — calling him a wee poof. He had to go back into the dressing room and say to his teammates: “They’re talking absolute crap. It’s a misunderstanding.”
But he became worried. Very worried. He had a game coming up which his own family would be attending. Would the bullies be back? Would he be outed in front of his family?
Back and forth we went on the DMs. I started picking up wee phrases: “I can’t cope… how am I going to cope?”
I sensed something was way off. I thought: “I need to speak to this guy right now.” I offered to meet him that night. In the end, we had a call, and I could hear it in his voice. “I don’t know if they’re going to turn up again, Zander, what do I do?”
I said to him: “This is all external. What you need to think about are two things:
1. Have you accepted yourself? I’m guessing that’s the elephant in the room.
2. When you begin to accept yourself, life will get so much better. I’ve been in your position and trust me, you can do this. Accept yourself. Life is too short. There might be people who do fall away when you accept yourself — particularly in the football world — but when you do it, I guarantee that you’ll find the people who are meant to be with you.”
The last time I talked to him was six months ago. Life was good. He’s come out now and is a lot more accepting of himself. He’s still playing football. He’s out to his teammates, too, but he’s done it in his own way. No media or attention.
I have no doubt that our conversation that night saved that young man’s life.
Lived experience is everything. I sensed his pain because I understood his pain. I was in the closet for 16 years, most of my football life. Here’s a snapshot from my own career…
I was 28 or 29 and in the middle of an incredible season at Gala Fairydean. The team wasn’t great [we finished 14th] but I was flying. I couldn’t stop scoring, even if I only got one chance a game. We played a friendly against Dunfermline. They fielded seven or eight first-team boys. John ‘Yogi’ Hughes was the Dunfermline gaffer. It ended either 3-3 or 4-3 to them. I scored two and set one up.
Afterwards, Yogi pulled me aside and said: “You’re not good enough for us, but Brian Rice at Alloa needs a wee striker like you up with Conor Sammon. I’ve spoken to Brian already and on Monday morning you’re on a two-week trial.”
The boyhood dream, right? The chance I’d been waiting for my whole career? Well, instead of joy, this is where my thoughts went: “If I sign for them, an Alloa fan could go onto my private Facebook and find a slightly camp photo. Then, they’ll go on to a fan forum and there will be debates about my sexuality. Then I’ll go to games, and I’ll start getting homophobic abuse.”
And at that time of my life, if that had happened, I probably wouldn’t be here today.
So, I turned down the trial. Alloa were League One at the time and I could have done it. I let go of my boyhood dream because of my sexuality. I was just over a year away from coming out.
I know what it means to hit rock bottom with your sexuality. When that 2 a.m. DM landed, I met someone else in that position, and I was able to share my lived experience with them.
When I decided to not only come out, but to be visible, to speak publicly about this issue, it was because I knew that there were people like that out there. People who would feel that there was nobody who understood, nobody they could reach out to at that critical moment.
There have been many. And, unfortunately, there will, I’m sure, be many more. There is a lot of work to be done before these young people can grow up comfortable with who they are, and their teammates and friends and the people who watch them from the stands feel the same.
